CSUMB lecturer provides tips for better relationships in 2025

By Mark Muckenfuss

The start of the new year is an opportunity for many to take a deep breath, clear one’s head and assess life. Part of that may include looking at relationships, particularly since the holiday season can bring friction and outright conflict.

Cal State Monterey Bay psychology lecturer Dina Wirick says taking stock of the ties that bind us to others can be a healthy exercise. Her biggest piece of advice is to be proactive in deciding what relationships to nurture and what you can do to make that happen. 

“What’s within your control to improve that relationship?” Wirick said. “People get busy and don’t always prioritize some of their relationships. Having a community and support system is important, but it requires work. Make the time to reach out to people. Make the time to nurture those relationships. If those aren’t nurtured, you’re not going to have fulfilling social support.”

Whether it’s a partner, a family member or a friend, she said, taking action, rather than letting things run on “auto-pilot,” can lead to more satisfying results. Consider what your values are and whether the relationship you’re examining lines up with those values, she said.

“When we do things that are in accordance with our values we feel more satisfaction,” she said. 

And, she cautioned, be realistic about your expectations. 

“Relationships aren’t perfect,” Wirick said. “Any time we are around other humans there is conflict. That is normal. The question is what’s the overall feeling around this person? Do you feel excited about seeing this person? What are your emotions trying to tell you? Emotions are messengers. They’re trying to alert us to things.”

But there are other factors as well, she said.

“We don’t want to make our decisions solely on emotions,” she said. “That’s where the cognition comes in. Dialectical behavioral therapy talks about a wise mind. It's the overlap between emotions and cognition. How will you interpret that emotion? Sometimes being there for certain family members can be stressful. That doesn’t mean we don’t want to be there.”

She suggests employing positive actions when strengthening a relationship, particularly if it’s a relationship that is strained. 

“Focus on what you can do to improve the relationship,” she said. “Think about, ‘What can I do to make this person feel special?’ as opposed to, ‘Why aren’t they making me feel appreciated?’ 

If you’re trying to improve a relationship, focus on enjoyable activities you can do together, something fun and lighthearted. You can't underestimate the power of just going out and doing something together.”

It’s also important to recognize that, in some cases, the relationship may not be worth the cost.

“As humans, we grow and we change,” she said. “Just because we’ve had a relationship with somebody, it doesn’t mean that it makes sense at this particular point in life. It's OK to shed some of those things. It’s hard, but it doesn’t mean that’s something that shouldn’t happen.”

Living in a highly polarized society presents even further problems, Wirick said. She sees lots of examples of where political differences create friction. In those cases, she said, finding a shared space where you can have a conversation about things you agree upon can serve as a starting point in resolving conflict.

“I try to see where that person is at,” she said, “approaching it with curiosity and less confrontation. It’s a tall ask. It’s hard when it’s family because it can feel very personal. For some, those political ideas are part of their identities. I guess it just matters how important those ideas are to them.”

She suggests practicing compassion, and not just compassion for others. 

“Self-compassion is important,” she said. “Give yourself some grace. Maybe we said something we wish we hadn’t. Have compassion for others in that same vein. We’re not necessarily saying it's OK, it's just letting go of that resentment. Try to let that go and wish that person well.”